Does Love Change When The Lifestyle Changes?
By Marilyn Logan

Unemployment remains up and home prices are staying down. Trillions of dollars were doled out to financial institutions. Analysts had crafty answers for Wall Street and Main Street but no solutions for what was happening on Our Street and in our homes.

Making sense of the bear economy is really no bull. The media bombards us with images of long lines at job fairs, empty and foreclosed homes, and vacant shopping malls. Personal financial stories previously seen on the front pages are not viewed as newsworthy anymore, and a sense of financial normalcy has begun to set in. But the great author named “Life” continues to write them daily.

Here is the reality of what is happening on Our Street and in our homes. Half of American households live on less than $45,000 a year and one out of five households lives on less than $20,000. The average person carries about $30,000 in credit card and school loan debt. Marriage rates have been steady and, surprisingly, divorce rates have somewhat declined. The real question is why?

Answer: People cannot afford to move out. Their finances are forcing them to move down the hallway instead of down the street. How many times have you heard your friends say they have a great relationship only to reveal that the one thing they fight about is money?

Now we hear the recession is turning the corner and the indicators are showing that we are in a recovery. I am a big advocate of controlling what we can control and an even bigger advocate for individual, couple and family financial empowerment. For families, the real question is how we – the Family Inc. – are going to fare and how are we going to deal with the recession.

Many marriages and relationships have suffered because the house of cards has come crumbling down and the steps needed to survive the downturn ignored. At a recent conference where I was an invited speaker, these questions were posed: “Does love change when the lifestyle changes?” “Will the recession of lifestyle lead to a recession of love?”

Couples have had to analyze their spending habits and savings strategies. It has been sobering for many, and unfortunately for others, it has been status quo in spite of diminished income and a reluctance to adapt. It really becomes a question of what we value in our marriages and relationships. I believe that people typically look at a relationship from the standpoint of what they can get out of it instead of what they can put into it. Love is like a prizefighter who is trying to stay undefeated but will always have a challenger trying to take his crown.

Many recognize that love can be changed. Love can be affected by many things, but money is a game-changer, especially when mismanaged. I can only think of one type of love that is simple, pure and unwavering in the worst of circumstances – love for a child.

The love I experienced in marriage was absolutely the best and beautiful in and of itself – and conditional. I have found this to be common among most. I almost lost the love of my life because of my financial fallibilities. It wasn’t until this aspect of my life changed that we were able to strengthen our love and ultimately marry.

Love is changed for most when the lifestyle changes. If your ex won $100 million and knocked on your door to ask you to be their love once again, what would you say? I think I heard a collective pause of serious contemplation. I do not underestimate the power and effect of money. This is why I am on a mission to remove it as the No. 1 cause of divorce. Our taboo nature in talking about money is destroying relationships and families on a regular basis. Relationship surveys continue to illustrate that money matters have outpaced infidelity as the No. 1 cause of breakups. Money is not everything but it is right up there with breathing.

We tend to overinflate income and assets and devalue the liabilities and spending habits that can distort marital and relationship obligations. Who are we trying to impress – really? What do we fear? Whose financial life are we responsible for? How is it that we were so happy in a two-bedroom apartment but argue everyday in a five-bedroom house?

And when did Mr. and Mrs. Jones move in? Wake up! It is time to get on the same page financially, understand that less really, really, really is more and talking about money is not as painful as not talking about it. Money talk is an opportunity for relationship victory.

When a couple's lifestyle necessitates changes because of tight times, that experience can become a pivotal experience for a couple and lead to a positive impact on the love between them: either their love will deepen – they'll pull together to find solutions, short- and long-term – or the love may suffer until they get on the same page and on a common financial purpose. Decreased transparency can lead to fewer conversations, decreased intimacy and increased tension.

Generally, Americans have a hard time taking a less is more approach with our lifestyles. It's work to do so – hard work – but worth every step. We do it every day at our jobs. We deal with cuts and budgeting and sacrifice and come up with solutions for the company’s bottom line. Let’s make some of those tools and skills translatable for our own homes and strengthen our relationship and love with weekly financial meetings, scrubbing of the numbers and creating a plan of action to defeat those financial demons that challenge us in tough times.

I want people to begin fighting about the dishes, not dollars. I want couples to have money talk before pillow talk. Protect your love when the lifestyle changes. Recognize the challenges, set a plan of action and get your money right!

Marilyn Logan is a motivational speaker and author of “I Can’t Afford to Marry You: A Guide To Understanding The True Cost Of Love.” To purchase a copy, visit Marilynlogan.com or Amazon.com. Contact her at marilyn@marilynlogan.com.